FoOlRulez

So I’m walking down the street late night last Monday, and I’m turning the corner on 64th. And all of  a sudden, there’s this bus stop there. I’m thinking to myself, “There was no bus stop here before!” But it’s here, and well, if the shoe fits, put it on, right? So the bus stop fit, and I went in. And Roald Dahl was there. And he slaps me across my face. Hard. And I’m like, “Hey man, what was that for?”

So he tells me, “I participated in World War II. I lost my NOSE in that war.” And I was all, “Hey, okay, I feel for you man, but so did Michael Jackson, and technology helped you guys out.”
His eyes narrowed. He turned around and kicked a whole through the bus stop’s Excel ad. I look at him in the glass, and I can see he’s crying. Crying. And I’m scared. It’s raining outside. And this bus stop isn’t even a bus stop. It’s a telephone booth. So there’s a grown man crying here, and I’m shivering because I didn’t wear any socks. Heck, I didn’t even wear a sweater. My mom got me a new sweater. Same one for my brother. His was blue and dark blue. Mines was white and black. Mine’s looked better. It was also more multicultural.

And I’m cold. And I’m thinking about the oil spill, and all the poor people out in the East, who die without receiving any love. Edmonton sure has weird weather. It snowed here yesterday, would you believe it, Daniel, would you?!

May 29th

It rained all day. The snow from yesterday is pretty much washed out.

(fade to black)

Roald Dahl is taller than me. I noticed that when I walked in. I usually notice when someone is taller than me. This is because when they are taller than me, they are taller than me. This makes me take note of my shortness in comparison to them. I like having short friends. I tried wrestling with one of my tall friends once. I ended up looking like a hotdog you put in the microwave for a minute and thirty seconds. You ever seen that stuff? Yeah, that’s some messed up stuff right there. I opened a  lot of Pharaoh Treasure Chests. Like 100. I didn’t even get one scroll.

Roald Dahl stopped crying in the summer of 2004. I stayed by his side the whole time. I reminded him what a lovely family he had, all the people who cared about him. Korea must be interesting. Apparently, there are tourist “hotspots”. But that’s silly. The Earth is a tourist hotspot. There’s like, 7 billion people there. All the time. Have you seen how many visitors the moon gets? Pfff. I wonder if they ever had a tea party up there. Did they pass gas to keep the tea in?

Dolphins are made out of rubber, right? They jump in the water, they jump out. Who can keep up with all that, anyways?

(sound of sirens in the distance)

Roald Dahl stopped crying. He turns to me now.

“Who is Nagato Yuki?”

I have no answer for him. Outside, the rain continues to fall.

(sound of sirens now louder)

Is being depressed during rain hardwired into our brains? Like, we see water coming down, and all of a sudden, even the Barney costume finally stops smiling. I like rain. Whenever there’s a huge storm, I get excited. I go on my porch. Roald Dahl is just around the corner.

(red and white lights can now be seen clearly outside the telephone booth)

“I’ll be seeing you, then.”

“Where will you go?”

“Who knows? I’m a writer. I can go anywhere.”

“Firefighters must be happy right now. The weather’s been pretty damp lately.”

Roald Dahl got up and walked outside. Richard Parker never looked back. But Roald Dahl did. He gave me one long, piercing stare from behind his half-moon spectacles.

“”Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.”
“Huh?”

“You take care of yourself now.”

(The sirens are gone.)

I picked up the ping pong paddles and left the telephone booth. A little boy with his plush tiger ran past me.  I stared at him. What did he think of his plush tiger? What could be so interesting about it? Had he ever played computer games? I liked to think that perhaps, in his imagination,  he was having adventures with a tiger, who could talk. Maybe he gave it a name.
How absurd.

In case you’re still wondering, no, we are not dubbing Boku no Pico.